In school, I was always the high achiever.

I always thought I had to show the rest that i was smarter than them. That i had to show my parents that i was a very smart kid. That i had to prove a point to myself that i was smarter than what i was a term ago. And I did. I was one of the smartest kids of the lot. And not just in school. OLevel and ALevel results were a testament to that.

And then NUS happened. I was thrown amongst a pile of really smart people. really hardworking too. And then i found myself not being one of the top. At first, i was shocked. Surprised. Humiliated. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought i was stupider than the rest. And although I tried, I could never be at the very top here.

And I blame others for this. I feel i should have been advised on what to do. i feel like i was taken advantage of by the person who was supposed to have been my mentor. I feel like someone, anyone, should have told me how it was like, and what should hence be done. Not just academic wise. Other things too.

Like my career. I wish someone would have told me what and when i was supposed to be doing. But no one did.

Was it my fault that i didn’t do my own research? But where I come from, things are way different, and thus I didn’t know. Maybe I should have been more open minded. More adventurous, more resourceful. but I wasn’t?

And i refuse to take the blame. Because, you should have told me. But instead decided to take advantage of me. of us. and then now we have to rot.

And its a been a long bumpy ride. But i feel i deserve more than this. I ought to at least be recognized. be called up. At least be given the opportunity. But i’m not.

For once this is making me feel inconfident. I have always been the confident one, and everyone says that the optimism and confidence is a major part of what I am. But its all just sliding away.

Just because, that phone is not ringing. It has never rung. And I keep waiting. NOW rather hopelessly.