Of Trust, hurt, disappointments and broken hearts

Trust – an essential element for any relationship whether it be between friends, a couple, or parents and their children. Sometimes, we do everything possible to gain this trust from the other person, but the other person is just not willing to trust us…and the frustration that comes as a result is not worth putting into words…

I know i kinda broke their trust once…but that was when i was a teenager, and when i was just 16! Its a known fact that 15-18 are some of the hardest years to deal with…the years most prone to rebellious behaviour and most prone to following the wrong path. But they are also the best years for learning from mistakes..and for taking turns to ending up in the correct path.

When i broke their trust, they were mad. Maybe disappointed and hurt too, but they didn’t show these feelings out too much. But anger, and punishments prevailed, though most of them were undeserved. Over time, i realized my mistake. I have apologized, and tried to make it up to them in more ways than possible. And i have loved them for trying to forget what happened and for giving me another chance. Or atleast to pretending to try to forget.

The love and respect i have for them just shot up so rapidly when they decided to give me that second chance, although i knew that most of what they thought i had done was just pure bullshit. Just pure rumors brought to their ears by random people. The fact that they chose to believe them over me was pissing off, and frustrating, but i had no choice then. I used to yell, scream, and quarrel. But now, i realize that those were wrong moves too. But even with all these rumors flying around, they decided to let me try just once more, and to that i will be eternally grateful.

I may have made blunders with my second chance too, but they have been well kept away from them simply because i know it may make them angry. But i have learnt. I have sacrificed more than ALOT. And i have given in. And i know they know at least some of this, though i prefer to keep most of it away from them.

And now, they are having alot of issues with the other 2. Their tears show me how much of pain they are going through. Compared to the other 2, i think i can be classified a saint. And i have been trying to help them resolve these issues by talking to the other 2, and by trying to be the friendly big sister. I can’t tell them about it, cos then the other 2 will lose confidence in me, and then they can bid farewell to the idea of getting them back on the right track.

But suddenly, yesterday, they started acting all irrational again. Acting like i was 15. Acting like i was a senseless teenager running around with no sort of responsibility at all. I would love to do that, but I’m sorry to disappoint, i am definitely no longer that little kid of yours. And i thought we were over that phase, that phase where you decide not to trust me, and just throw around words and scoldings.

Yesterday, i kept quiet. Tried to defend myself in the calmest possible manner, and decided opening my mouth to defend would lead to arguments so shut up, nodded my head, and just answered questions. Tried explaining. But you refused to listen. Refused to be rational. And despite the rage and disappointment, i kept shut cos i knew that you were having too much of a hard time with the other 2, and would not be able to handle me too.

But then you said something. Just something, that i still can’t believe came out of your mouth. How i managed to get away from you without screaming, without shedding a tear, without showing my anger and hurt, i don’t know. But i never expected this from them, not in the very least! Shutting myself up, and crying for hours didn’t help cos you were the last people i expected this from!

Everything was going great till you decided to utter those words. And although i pretend like nothing happened, and like it never hurt me by keeping that smiley face on all the time just so that you’ll can be happy, i will never be able to get over those words. Trust Me.

And now i wonder if you’ll even ever truly love me, because everything you do seems to be so that you can hold your head high amongst those people who are just waiting for you to turn around so that they can back stab you!

Dedicated to Chani

Chani’s dad passed away last night, and i heard about it today morning. Yes only today morning.

And  i don’t know how to react – I am so not the person who is good at sympathizing when such stuff happens, for the simple reason that i do not know what to say, cos anything i say does not seem to be appropriate…And now i am away from home, and so i really have to say something when i call her..I know if i was at home, a big warm hug would have made her feel so much better, but now i really dont know what i can tell her when i call her…its all like so awkward

But i genuinely am damn sad, and sorry for her…after all, she’s been one of my bestest buddies since like grade 6, and this has somehow affected me very badly…maybe even more than what happened when Haritha himself passed away – With him, i had gotten very close to him, when he passed away, but then again, i don’t even know if i will ever meet his mum again. But with Chani, i will be seeing her whenever i go back and stuff, and then it will always be in my mind!

Anyways, Chani whenever you read this, remember, i love you, and will always be there for you:). Don’t worry girlie – be strong and things will be arite soon enough..Hugzz from singapore:)

A new addition to the family:D

I have a new niece….my cousin’s got a baby girl who is now 3 days old…awwwwww:) I can’t wait to see pix…:D

And on another note, exams are OVER!!!!! And I’m happier than usual this time around!! Yayness!! I can’t wait to get started on all those things i wanted to do for soo long!!!!!!

Unsafe!

So there was this guy called Mas Selamat Kastari who escaped from the Singapore Detention Centre a few weeks ago. I will not upload a photo of him due to the simple reason that all the pix i googled of him said “not for public use”, and so, I’ve decided not to use any of them.

For a reason that i’m still not too sure of, his escape brought a form of fear to my heart – A form of fear that i have never felt before in my life. Everytime i read updates, it frightens me more.

People who know me know that i am not the the type of person to be scared of things like this. I’m always the one who makes fun of those scared of such stuff. My fear only comes about when it comes to heights and certain animals.

Also, many must be wondering why I’m scared of just one escapee, when i’ve been living in Sri Lanka for like 19years of my life.

For that, i cannot find the answer. However unsafe, SL maybe, i still feel the safest there. Maybe its cos thats where the warmth and love of my family is. Maybe its cos i know around them safe. Maybe..just maybe…

And maybe its cos i never expected such a thing to happen in “safe” Singapore…and when i think it has happened, i freak out over those late nights i walk back alone from PGP after a good hangout session with the order…and i wonder if i might just be confronted by Mas Selamat the next time i walk around alone at night…I know these are paranoid thoughts..but i can’t help it somehow

I miss u my love!

I’ve been feeling very nostalgic about my one and only true love- dance- recently, and by dance i mean barathanatyam.

d4c4_1.jpg457amrita3.jpg

It’s been ages since i danced, and my legs and hands ache for those days – those days when i used to practically live at my dance classes. The aches, the cramps, the bruises – i really miss them. And when i think of how every semester, i somehow still don’t end up joining NUS Baratha, i feel like shooting myself.

I want to feel the stage presence again. The heavy make-up, and the even heavier costumes, the lights, the audience, the thaal – I really need to dance AGAIN!

Been dancing since i was 7years old, and now seems like i’ve given it all up! How can i revive it?

Yup I’ve moved

Thought that it was time to change…for apparent reasons!!

And so, hopefully i’ll be able to stick to this for a while, at least..

And i so totally love being pampered by the hairdresser…I wanna colour and rebond my hair

I have already bought a DIY kit for coloring, but for rebonding, need to save up money!! Can someone please help me by donating to the “lets help Nithiya rebond her hair” fund?