In school, I was always the high achiever.

I always thought I had to show the rest that i was smarter than them. That i had to show my parents that i was a very smart kid. That i had to prove a point to myself that i was smarter than what i was a term ago. And I did. I was one of the smartest kids of the lot. And not just in school. OLevel and ALevel results were a testament to that.

And then NUS happened. I was thrown amongst a pile of really smart people. really hardworking too. And then i found myself not being one of the top. At first, i was shocked. Surprised. Humiliated. I didn’t know what was wrong. I thought i was stupider than the rest. And although I tried, I could never be at the very top here.

And I blame others for this. I feel i should have been advised on what to do. i feel like i was taken advantage of by the person who was supposed to have been my mentor. I feel like someone, anyone, should have told me how it was like, and what should hence be done. Not just academic wise. Other things too.

Like my career. I wish someone would have told me what and when i was supposed to be doing. But no one did.

Was it my fault that i didn’t do my own research? But where I come from, things are way different, and thus I didn’t know. Maybe I should have been more open minded. More adventurous, more resourceful. but I wasn’t?

And i refuse to take the blame. Because, you should have told me. But instead decided to take advantage of me. of us. and then now we have to rot.

And its a been a long bumpy ride. But i feel i deserve more than this. I ought to at least be recognized. be called up. At least be given the opportunity. But i’m not.

For once this is making me feel inconfident. I have always been the confident one, and everyone says that the optimism and confidence is a major part of what I am. But its all just sliding away.

Just because, that phone is not ringing. It has never rung. And I keep waiting. NOW rather hopelessly.

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A stranger down the road

One by one things fell apart. One by one they became clearer. Obligation was a great part to holding on. Care was the biggest. The world fell apart, literally. Tears too much to pour. Frequency of conversations reduced. Lots of truth were hidden, avoided. And then, suddenly, something was missing. Absolutely no conversations. If previously the tears were too much, now it was just pure devastation.

And yet there was that peephole I loved peeking through. The small view i got through that was somewhat of a comfort.

But one day, that peephole will be covered up, and all means will go missing. The stranger will become totally non existent.

To date, I don’t understand why. There was too much of dependence, too much of love, too much of care to let it just rot. I will always care for the person i knew before a stranger you became.

And the day the peephole becomes all nailed up with wooden boards, the stranger would not even be a stranger. Would just be one of those stars in the sky that i cannot differentiate from another.

Thanks to the one who stood through it all. Without you, i would not have made it through.

the way to a woman’s heart is through?

Apparently the way to man’s heart is through his stomach…

But the same is true for women too. I mean what could beat a man bringing breakfast to your bed everyday (Hugh Jackman’s THE MAN here – blueberry panckakes…sigh)

Ofcourse, shoes, bags, dresses, and chocolates play a VERY VERY important role too. But dude, if you can cook, I am willing to overlook certain other things, really!

(ok, shall stop being bimbotic and get back to Job apps)

Guess who is a mis fit to this model?

A stranger… A Friend…

Why is it that some of us, especially myself, get pissed off and hurt by something someone close to you does, rather than if the same thing were done by a stranger or someone not so close? Isn’t it more logical that we should get pissed off more, if not the same, at the stranger? She said/did the same thing. BUT no, i usually would not get pissed off at the friend.

I have high expectations and constantly see the best a person can be – whether they can live up to that or not is another story – but I think it relates (Even when they don’t live up to it, i try to make up my own stories and reasons which make it seem like they are living upto it). It’s that high a level of caring. It’s because you matter that you get lashed out at whereas with a stranger it really doesn’t matter. It becomes easier to just turn away from them or not to care as much, but with people in your close circle it’s more about the breaking of trust or whatnot that cause the stinger to come out. Its way easier to get hurt with the closer circle than with anyone else.

I’m not a person who lets someone close to me, easily. Time, and a great deal of effort is needed. And so, it already means tonnes that you are close to me. By doing something thats hurtful in some way or the other, thus, tends to be a total let down.

The other side of the story

How many times have you made biased decisions just based on one person’s side of a story?

And how many times have you forgotten that there is always a 2nd side to every story, and that maybe, just maybe, if you just take the opportunity to listen to that second side, things might look a lot clearer?

No one ever wants to listen to the other side of the story, becuase once they get to know one side, their judgement and opinions are already made up.

But listen to my side of the story, listen to why i do the things i do, and then maybe you would be able to understand me better. Understand my actions better.

Never have expectations or hopes, because people always fail to meet expectations, and hopes are dashed. And this will just make you a tad more than hurt!

But its almost impossible to not have expectations, or hope, since these are the reasons many of us continue to live on.

…….Dots…….

So yesterday was a whole day of stress, anxiety and anger at various things, which led to a state of depression. Thanks to a few people I love, and to things finally piecing together, I felt much better. And of course, the long hot shower and the sleep helped too.

Today, it’s more of stress. And of authority issues.

I tried explaining, and I spoke to them directly, in the most calm manner and polite manner possible. But still, they think they can do what they want. And thats not the way it is supposed to be. And then, they put themselves up in a position, totally ignoring the amount of work I’m putting in. And it’s not fair.

And I don’t know what more I can do, cos as stated before, trying to open my mouth and rectify certain things, will only bring in other problems, which will lead to my unhappiness arising from rifts and bitching sessions.

The pains of growing up, and responsibility. Sigh.

What I realized when I was at my hair treatment today was

-that you never found out what it was

-And I never told you.

Celebration for the right reason?

The loud blast of crackers down every street. The smell of kiribath from almost every household. Alcohol bottles being opened in every other house. Worry-less happy laughter everywhere. Celebration over the victory of a war. Over the death of  a man. Over the recapture of land.

I wish i was back to celebrate and make merry on the streets too. But i wonder, are we celebrating for the right cause? And is it time to celebrate already?

True, the death of the man who was leading a rebel group that was the cause of so much pain and suffering over 2 decades is a cause for celebration. But, celebration over the death of all the others who were part of those fighting on behalf of the LTTE is not fair. Many of them had no choice but to follow the orders of the LTTE, and so, they do not deserve the right to be spat upon and laughed at over alcohol.

Additionally more people were killed in the North than anywhere else in the country. More civilians i would say. Tribute should be paid to them. And the more unfortunate ones, who have survived the war in the North, but lost either their own body parts or worse, their kith and kin, should be looked up at in respect, cos they are surviving through despite it all.

Once we have rebuilt ONE Sri Lanka, once we have made the Tamils in the North believe in the government, and once we stop scorning upon them, i believe the time to truly celebrate will be upon us. Till then, lets all try to avoid any form of discrimination and lets try to rebuild a nation in terms of both physical infrastructure and harmonial relationships.

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